I still can’t believe it, I finished school. I’ll never have to go back there, I’ll never have to feel that uncomfortable while walking around there and I’ll never have to see (every day!) those oh so familiar faces that were never friendly or happy (teachers and pupils).
School stopped, at a certain point, to be fun for me. I honestly don’t know if that happened already in elementary school or switching from elementary school to secondary school (In Germany it’s the “Gymnasium”), but some way or another it happened. I started hating (let’s be honest “almost”) every second of it and home became even more my safe space without any teachers (except my mum, but she’s a good one, I swear) or mean classmates. But of course, especially in the last two years, school took over and minimised this space more and more. Primarily in the last year, I had to put so much work and so much of my energy in learning and being good enough for school. I talked about this before in another post, but school took so much of my time and of me or my power over my life that even when there was a free second, I couldn’t use it because I was too tired or frustrated. I’m sure this also has to do with me and my body as my mind and body get so engaged when I’m stressed and make weird things and I must make sure to enough me-time to have them not both go completely insane. I’m sure, well no, actually I know that there are people out there that can handle this kind of pressure and stress better, that don’t lose their energy, some of the other students had this ability but I’m just not like that.
The only positive aspect, you could say, about school was friendships. Five times a week I was able to see my friends and talk with them. However, that wasn’t necessarily always the best time for me either ( I don’t want to go in depth with that, maybe in another post, when I feel like talking about this) and especially my mind suffered often enough from the fact that we saw each other so often (sounds so dramatic, Jesus Christ, I am a little drama queen deep down, I can’t help it). This sounds so rude and there are certain people with whom you can spend so much time without getting sick of them, but honestly other than my family I haven’t met people like that, yet.
Sure, it’s sad that I will not be able to see my friends so regularly any more, but I believe with those that are the “real ones” I’ll keep in contact and the others, they’ll find their path without me, that’s just life. It might sound bitter, but I just feel like in my area where I’m living but also the cities around here, people are so similar in behaviour: they do the same, they wear the same, they look the same and they think the same. And I just don’t fit in to this because I’m not average (sounds quiet arrogant to say that, but it at least feels like it, maybe I am just one of them and don’t know it) and a lot of people here don’t like me at first sight because of how I look (sorry for my body, guys) or because I think differently. I know, maybe I just never met those people in my town and at school, that share this feeling with me, but anyways I think in different parts of Germany or the world it’s easier to find these people. The point I’m trying to make is that I’m so happy to meet new people with different, new opinions, cultures and personalities than to those living here. School kept me from this, it was like a cage in which I was stuck with the same old people since about eight years. Some came and left, but in the end, nothing changed that much because the personalities just stayed the same.
I have yet to realise what being finished with school means as I feel like I’m just on vacation and going back to school in just like a week or so. Slowly, I feel this freedom I have now, and I see all the possibilities and all the open doors that are waiting just for me. It is scary to think that I could choose the wrong path, like choosing the wrong studying subject for example, but my hope for a happy ending seems to be bigger than my fear about that. This is why I fought so hard, all the anger and frustration of the last two or one year(s) for this freedom, I just wanted my future- and now present-me to be able to choose whatever way suited me best, even if good grades at school are needed for this way, that’s why I wanted them and fought for them.
This sums up all the emotions and states I’ve been going through since, wow, over a week now and since receiving my results of the final exams I had to take. I’m very pleased and surprised with most of the grades, especially my grade in art, I got full points even though I felt like I failed a little but seems like the two nice ladies who corrected my art colloquium didn’t think so. Anyways, I’m really happy to have that over with and being able to start a new chapter in the book that is called my life.
A really exiting time is right around the corner as I start working as an au-pair at the end of July and guess where, in one of my favourite cities: LONDON. I’ll stay there for one year before starting to study. I still don’t know what subject I will choose, I’m torn between different topics or domains I’m interested in like film, photographing, science and also, very important, environment. At the moment, I really like the idea of studying documentary film and then making films about environmental issues, issues in developing countries and stuff like that. I think with visual art, just like films and videos, you can have a bigger effect on people and showing why problems are problems. Nevertheless, my opinion or interest will switch or change in the next year a couple of times, but I’m not too worried that I don’t find the right thing for me, now that I’m able to think about all this without school terrorising my thoughts and mind all the time.
I try to maintain a positive look on the future and now that school is done, I feel like the future has become present and life has just begun. A new chapter, a new era.
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